My First Breastfeeding Experience

When I was pregnant with my first child, I read every pregnancy, breastfeeding and child rearing book I could get my swollen hands on. Actually, I'm still reading breastfeeding and child rearing books. Can one ever read about these things too much? I don't think so. I digress.

Since I had read all the "right" books, I figured I had breastfeeding under control. Did I mention this was before I actually had the baby? Um, yeah. *ahem*

I really wanted a natural labor and delivery. I had this image in my mind of sitting in a tub with Enya playing in the background while I breathed evenly through each contraction. *heeee hoooo* I also wanted to give birth standing or squatting because I had read that gravity should be working for you not against you.

Yeah. Right.

Thirty four LONG hours of oh-my-goodness-so-THIS-is-a-contraction labor!?! Check.

Epidural? Check.

Birthing bar to let gravity help? Not so much.

When it came time to push, which, by the way lasted only THREE and a HALF HOURS, I couldn't figure out for the LIFE of ME what in the HECK to do with that STUPID birthing bar!!! Sometime during pushing, I was so exhausted from being in labor for a day and a half, that I was passing out in between pushes and DREAMING.

I just. wanted. her. out.

Turns out, she didn't want to come out. Or, couldn't come out, that is. She was crooked in the birth canal and after three horrible hours of pushing, that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy if I had one, my doctor came in asked if I would like him to "help" me by pulling her out with suction. I said, "YES!!" Note to self and everyone else: DO NOT USE SUCTION. Opt for surgery. Seriously.

I also said I could no longer finish giving birth, but strangely enough, he didn't listen that time.

After all of that fun, and after they had finished giving her oxygen because she was in the birth canal for too long, I brought my little sweet baby girl to my breast (because that's what the books and and my lactation consultant, who was there at the time I gave birth, said to do) and Lo and Behold - she latched right on! Hallelujah!!! Things were looking up.

Oh my goodness. She's a cutie.

It went downhill from there. She really didn't do well at the hospital. I had every nurse there come and try to help. The lactation consultant said things looked good, but Gilly cried a LOT those first few days. Months.

Right before we went home, a nurse gave me a nipple shield to try. IT WORKED! She latched on better this time and it seemed like she was getting something! Hooray! Things were looking up!

It went downhill from there.

Anyone else see a pattern here? Or is it just me?

I continued to use the nipple shield but only sparingly because I read (or was told - I can't remember now) that Baby (don't you love how everyone in the hospital says it like that? Is Baby eating? Did Baby poop? Let's give Baby her bath.)

I digress. Again.

I was told that Baby might become dependant on it. (the nipple shield - in case you got lost.)

Basically our feedings went like this after we got home:

~Gilly would start screaming bloody murder. (That's how I knew she wanted to nurse. She gave me no other signs.)
~We would spend anywhere from 15 - 45 minutes trying to get her latched on while she continued to cry.
~Once she was latched on, she would nurse for about 45 minutes.
~Then an hour later, we would start again. With the screaming.

It went on like that for TWO MONTHS. She was most definitely a colicky baby. *shaking it off*

Here's an actual entry from my journal:

Saturday, August 30th, 2008 (the day before my birthday, incidentally, and a month and a half after she was born)

I am SO ready to give up. BF is not getting easier. In fact, it's getting worse. For both of us. If Gilly is the SLIGHTEST and I mean SLIGHTEST bit tired, she WILL NOT latch on. And, of course, what is the ONE THING she wants when she is tired?? To nurse!! I'm losing my mind!! I'm sure she is, too!

These past three days have been miserable. As I write this, she's sitting in her swing, crying. She's tired. She's hungry. And there's NOTHING I can do. Nothing. I feel so helpless - that's the worst part of this whole thing. I can't help her. It's so sad. She's so sad. I may give up yet.

I forgot to mention that because suction was used to pull her out during the birthing process, she had a HUGE hematoma on her head the size of a grapefruit for that first month or so. The doctor told us it would be gone before we left the hospital. *ahem* Looking back, I'm sure that was part of her problem. I'm sure that poor little baby had the headache of the century! No wonder she cried all of the time! As a side note, I can not tell you how many times I pray and thank GOD that she is healthy!! I've heard a few horror stories of babies that were suctioned and it didn't end well! They ended up with brain damage! Thank you, Lord!! :)

The hematoma

Also, knowing what I know now and what I've gone through with breastfeeding our second child (more about that later), I had major oversupply issues. Which translated to major engorgement and a crazy forceful letdown. Once she did finally latch on, she would get so mad because milk was shooting her in the face!! Can't blame her.

So, like I said, I got engorged. A lot. That leads to... you guessed it! Mastitis! Hooray!

Except I didn't know that's what it was at the time. I just knew I felt like I'd been hit by a TRUCK. I was freezing cold and shaking like crazy and had a very high fever. My breast was also painful, but I just thought it was from engorgement.

To make a long story even LONGER... (If any of you are still reading this, bless you. This is terribly therapeutic though.) I got over the mastitis, then got it two more times before all was said and done.

I did stop using the nipple shield after about a month and thankfully, she had no trouble transitioning.

And I can't remember exactly when it was, but things did eventually get better. It didn't seem like they were going to, that's for sure. I will say that one of the things that kept me going was the support I received from my bosom friend and my wonderful husband.

But I do remember starting to think, "I'm so thankful I stuck with it! I LOVE breastfeeding!" What I loved most about it was the bond it created between my sweet little girl and me. Nothing in the world can replace that. She weaned at around 16 months and I look back now and treasure those quiet times we spent together.

And throughout her life there will be so many things that I won't be able to do for her or protect her from, but I can take comfort in knowing that I did do at least one thing that was the absolute best thing - I breastfed her. :)

The moral of the story is this - if you are experiencing difficulties breastfeeding, find someone to support you! It can make all of the difference.

~Catie